One-Liner of the Day

Mags: there's way more stuff coming out of my nose than is in any way natural

Never Mind the Buzzcut

Mags: oh man

Mags: so...

Mags: remember how getting my brother a haircut was on my list?

Leonie: yes?

Leonie: you make that sound like they cut his head off instead of his hair

Mags: yeah...

Mags: well

Mags: sort of

Leonie: that's not reassuring at all

Mags: I showed them a picture of kind of a standard boy-cut

Mags: like, an inch and a half on top

Mags: and 3/4 inch on the sides

Mags: and....

Mags: they pretty much gave him a buzz

Leonie: they reversed it?

Leonie: oh man

Leonie: poor kid

Mags: he actually kind of likes it

Leonie: can you shave his head and let him tell his friends it was for a good cause?

Leonie: oh, that's good then

Mags: my mother I suspect...will not

Mags: so now he's washing his...head

Leonie: lol

Mags: man...my mom is gonna go nuts

Mags: she *hates* buzz cuts

Mags: I took a picture of what the hair was supposed to look like though

Mags: so I have that as an excuse

Leonie: yes

Leonie: totally

Leonie: good thinking there, sherlock

Leonie: can you call her and make sure she's prepared?

Leonie: so that she doesn't... expect a lovely coiffed boy and find the buzzcut?

Mags: I don't think so

Mags: man

Mags: I might

Leonie: that's what I'd do

Leonie: besides

Leonie: if she freaks out on the phone, you hand it over to your pre-instructed brother who then raves about his rad haircut

Mags: he'll rave about it when she sees it

Mags: I will give her a call though

Mags: I'm a little scared

Leonie: awww

Leonie: don't be

Leonie: it's not your fault

Leonie: you could always say you tried to protest but then the hairdresser gave you this evil look and signalled she'd cut his ear off if you didn't sit straight back down

Mags: haha

Mags: maybe

Leonie: I mean - it was the hair or the ear

Leonie: hair grows back, pulling a Vincent is rather more permanent

Mags: heh

Leonie: or, you could totally dye his hair bright blue with a washable dye

Leonie: just to take the piss out of the shit haircut

Leonie: or braid what's left, or make a thousand mini pony tails

Mags: there's...nothing left

Leonie: or stuff so much gel in there you can't tell where the gel stops and the boy begins

Mags: I mean...

Mags: it's a half-inch all around

Leonie: can you go and buy him a mean looking beanie?

Leonie: what did you say at the hairdresser's?

Leonie: did she apologise at all?

Mags: no

Mags: she thought it was awesome

Mags: she was really sweet

Mags: it's just...

Mags: there's no hair left

Mags: he looks like he's recovering from a bout with cancer

Leonie: oh dear

Leonie: you just made me laugh so much

Leonie: I'm sorry

Mags: heh

Mags: it's very short

Leonie: I was just picturing the sheer you look of terror on your face as the hairdresser stood there beaming with pride

Mags: and his hair was so long before

Mags: that he's got like a tan line

Leonie: and your brother looking all "send us money now, research could save my life!"

Mags: that's half an inch lower than his hair line

Leonie: oh dear

Leonie: that visual makes it just that much better

Leonie: I am so sorry

Leonie: it's just... funny

Leonie: I feel for you, I really do

Mags: heh

Leonie: but oh man

Mags: feel for my mom

Leonie: this is so fischism worthy...

Mags: thank god it's summer

Leonie: baseball cap!

Mags: and there's not a graduation or anything this year for us

Mags: so nothing where he'd have to have his picture taken

Leonie: hreh

Leonie: maybe you could get a picture of his previous 'do printed at life size, and he can wear it as a mask whenever he does have to be in a picture

Leonie: or you could photoshop his hair back in afterwards

Mags says: heh

At this point, I would like to extend a “You rock!” to Mags’ awesome brother, who kindly let us use this conversation for Fischism, despite the fact that it mostly consists of us having a laugh at his lack of hair. You rock! Also, notice how we nicely worked in something the lovely Romy pointed out, namely that Vincent van Gogh cut his ear off, something I must admit I am embarrassed I got wrong in the first place. Hey, it only took us a month and a half to update. Fantastic.

Sad Ears (but a happier updated Fischism)

Mags: Look at the longest link ever
Leonie: sweet Jesus
Leonie: that's some link
Leonie: oh!
Mags: whoa
Leonie: I love the shirt
Mags: that is some link
Mags: but the shirt is awesome
Mags: also
Mags: http://www.onehorseshy.com/highbrow/grammar_police/
Mags: with a more manageable link
Leonie: lol
Leonie: if I walk into my sociolinguistics class with a shirt like that on
Leonie: my professor would hate me forever
Mags: what about this one?
Mags: http://www.glarkware.com/securestore/c181846p16737910.2.html
Leonie: which is a good enough reason to get one
Leonie: I like that one
Leonie: the thing is
Leonie: that professor is always going on about how there's no such thing as 'good grammar'
Leonie: and how language evolves
Mags: boo
Mags: grammar is everything
Leonie: and how there are always "these people who think they are better than others because they adhere to a set of rules that were decided upon years ago"
Leonie: and bah
Leonie: I disagree with him
Leonie: there is nothing wrong with using adverbs
Mags: if for no other reason than the fact that I shudder when I hear someone say "you did good"
Mags: or " we have 7 less animals"
Mags: or something like that
Leonie: YES!
Leonie hugs Mags
Mags: it makes me want to cry
Leonie: it makes me want to poke my eyes out when I read it
Leonie: and cut off my ear like Rembrandt when I hear it
Leonie: that's what happened to him you know
Leonie: someone used such bad Dutch grammar that he couldn't take it anymore
Mags: it's the second one that gets me even more
Mags: because no one thinks anything is wrong with it
Mags: and it makes me want to scream
Mags: there was a Starbucks billboard on my way to work
Mags: that said "More taste, less calories"
Mags: nearly led me to vandalism just so I could correct it
Mags: and write "FEWER!!! FEWER YOU IGNORANT FUCKS!!!"
Leonie: !!!!!!111one
Mags: heh
Leonie: you realise what you've just done, right?
Mags: gone grammar crazy?
Leonie: you've just been part of the creation of the first Fischism post in four months
Leonie: you did good :P

While I'm updating and all, I would just like to apologise for the excessive lack of updates over the past errr... four months. I've been home for a month and half of that time, and unfunny for the rest of it. That's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it. Anyway, with the return of uni procrastination and broadband internet, you might see more of Fischism in the near future. Stay tuned.

And in more unrelated waffling, happy birthday Ramona. Little fat pony.

Agony Aunt 1 - The Answering

Dear Hopeless Beautiful Lady with Good Manners,

Not to sugarcoat things, it's plain that this young fellow is completely all wrong for you. He acts interested at first, asking you questions he clearly took no time at all to write correctly. From your well-written letter I can only rightly discern that you are deserving of someone who makes the same effort.

The thing that truly jumps out at me from your letter is that you must find someone with a similar sense of humour. What kind of young man is so debilitated by sarcasm? What kind of young man would desist in his affections of you because of a jested age and life-circumstance?

From what I understand, you're real age would have been in plain view, as well as your marital and familial status. Clearly the boy has no drive or motivation and thus is not even worth the time you took to write me this letter (not that I mind of course).

Find yourself a funny lad, with an acceptable and like-minded sense of humour and try your luck with him.

Good luck dear,
Mags

Agony Aunt I : Dear Mags, He Said He'd Call!

Dear Mags,

I've read your blog for ages and you come across as a really sensible young woman. I was hoping you would have some advice for me, as I have encountered a problem. This is going to be long, but bear with me. I really don't know what I did for this to happen, and am shocked. My little world has been shattered. I thought he thought that I thought that he thought I was easy, but now I don't know what I think anymore.

Let me explain: I have a blog. This blog has a picture of me on the profile page. Now, this week, the first visual weirdo came along, and I think I may have inadvertently hurt his pathetic little ego. Why visual weirdo you may wonder? Well, I have attracted many a weirdo on a forum before - but that was on a forum that didn't know what I look like. I suppose a 'Beautiful Lady' title is all it takes these days. See why I think guys are so easy?

But I digress - earlier this week, Daniel sent me a message. How kind of Daniel you might think. Now before I continue, let me explain that Daniel is 33. Yes, that's right, thirty-three. And yes, if I were in America, I wouldn't even be allowed to drink a beer. Let me provide you with a link to Daniel's profile. Note that his catch phrase is "Am looking for my cinderella." How... disconcerting.
This is Daniel's message:

Subject: hi!!
Message: I would like to know u better and chat with u some time...i have yahoo id danielcox72@yahoo.com so if u do chat on yahoo add me so we can meet ok...I read ur profile and i love ur pic...hope to talk to u soon.
daniel.

How... strangely nice. Now, mummy raised me to be a good girl, so I replied with a friendly but neutral:

Subject: Re: hi!!
Message: Hi,

Thank you :) Unfortunately I don't have Yahoo messenger, but feel free to keep reading my blog!

Cheers,
Leonie

This did not discourage our Daniel:

Subject: Re: Re: hi!!
Message: ok so nice of u to reply me am so glad u did and am so happy.how old r u?

So when you say you read my profile, you meant 'saw the picture, found the message link and went for the kill'? That's the only option I can come up with that explains how you managed to miss my age that is right next to the picture. Now, as Daniel's description of the woman of his dreams, according to his profile, includes honesty, I had to come clean:

Subject: Re: Re: Re: hi!!
Message: You read my profile eh? I'm a 42-year-old single mother.

He never messaged me again! I'm so hurt - I was honest, I poured my heart out, and this is how I am rewarded? Dear Mags, please tell me what I did wrong. Why is it that I always seem to scare the creeps away? Am I too sarcastic? Do they not like the way I actually type out entire words? Please help me Agony Aunt Mags, for I am clueless.

Thank you,
Hopeless Beautiful Lady with Good Manners

Sylvia Plath-itudes

Leonie: Want to read something slightly amusing?
Mags: Sure
Mags: And if you want to
Mags: I finally updated the blog
Mags: Though I think I've already said everything in it to you
Leonie: There is a group of people in my house who cook together trying to make the rest of us buy a really expensive oven for them - they sent an email asking us to pitch in for a 200 euros oven
Leonie: At the end, I just sent back ...whatever
Mags: Heee
Mags: I had a great, awful idea
Leonie: And later on I don't think waiting for the microwave for five minutes will harm anyone. Also, the old oven has never posed a problem to me, and I don't think it's a problem to many of the other people here. It would be a bit unfair if I had to pay more for something I don't really need.
Leonie: Tell me
Mags: "Just don't go sticking your head in it"
Mags: Because I'm an *awful* person
Leonie: Lol
Mags: A terrible terrible person
Leonie: You made me laugh though
Mags: ...Me too

Here's a shout out to all crazy oven people. Better not close the door behind you.

Cumbaya My Blog, Cumbaya.

We would like to ask our devoted readership to pray to God/Jaweh/Jehovah/Allah/the Martians (that's you Tom Cruise!) (and Katie!) (Kate, sorry, Kate!)(and baby Kate!)/the spirits of gin/all of the above; and ask for a quick healing for our poor Margaret. In the event of you being unable to pray due to atheism or any other reason, valid or not, we are more than happy to send you our Paypal details through email.

Don't look at me like that! The Catholic church did it too - that's good enough for me.