Agony Aunt 1 - The Answering

Dear Hopeless Beautiful Lady with Good Manners,

Not to sugarcoat things, it's plain that this young fellow is completely all wrong for you. He acts interested at first, asking you questions he clearly took no time at all to write correctly. From your well-written letter I can only rightly discern that you are deserving of someone who makes the same effort.

The thing that truly jumps out at me from your letter is that you must find someone with a similar sense of humour. What kind of young man is so debilitated by sarcasm? What kind of young man would desist in his affections of you because of a jested age and life-circumstance?

From what I understand, you're real age would have been in plain view, as well as your marital and familial status. Clearly the boy has no drive or motivation and thus is not even worth the time you took to write me this letter (not that I mind of course).

Find yourself a funny lad, with an acceptable and like-minded sense of humour and try your luck with him.

Good luck dear,
Mags

Agony Aunt I : Dear Mags, He Said He'd Call!

Dear Mags,

I've read your blog for ages and you come across as a really sensible young woman. I was hoping you would have some advice for me, as I have encountered a problem. This is going to be long, but bear with me. I really don't know what I did for this to happen, and am shocked. My little world has been shattered. I thought he thought that I thought that he thought I was easy, but now I don't know what I think anymore.

Let me explain: I have a blog. This blog has a picture of me on the profile page. Now, this week, the first visual weirdo came along, and I think I may have inadvertently hurt his pathetic little ego. Why visual weirdo you may wonder? Well, I have attracted many a weirdo on a forum before - but that was on a forum that didn't know what I look like. I suppose a 'Beautiful Lady' title is all it takes these days. See why I think guys are so easy?

But I digress - earlier this week, Daniel sent me a message. How kind of Daniel you might think. Now before I continue, let me explain that Daniel is 33. Yes, that's right, thirty-three. And yes, if I were in America, I wouldn't even be allowed to drink a beer. Let me provide you with a link to Daniel's profile. Note that his catch phrase is "Am looking for my cinderella." How... disconcerting.
This is Daniel's message:

Subject: hi!!
Message: I would like to know u better and chat with u some time...i have yahoo id danielcox72@yahoo.com so if u do chat on yahoo add me so we can meet ok...I read ur profile and i love ur pic...hope to talk to u soon.
daniel.

How... strangely nice. Now, mummy raised me to be a good girl, so I replied with a friendly but neutral:

Subject: Re: hi!!
Message: Hi,

Thank you :) Unfortunately I don't have Yahoo messenger, but feel free to keep reading my blog!

Cheers,
Leonie

This did not discourage our Daniel:

Subject: Re: Re: hi!!
Message: ok so nice of u to reply me am so glad u did and am so happy.how old r u?

So when you say you read my profile, you meant 'saw the picture, found the message link and went for the kill'? That's the only option I can come up with that explains how you managed to miss my age that is right next to the picture. Now, as Daniel's description of the woman of his dreams, according to his profile, includes honesty, I had to come clean:

Subject: Re: Re: Re: hi!!
Message: You read my profile eh? I'm a 42-year-old single mother.

He never messaged me again! I'm so hurt - I was honest, I poured my heart out, and this is how I am rewarded? Dear Mags, please tell me what I did wrong. Why is it that I always seem to scare the creeps away? Am I too sarcastic? Do they not like the way I actually type out entire words? Please help me Agony Aunt Mags, for I am clueless.

Thank you,
Hopeless Beautiful Lady with Good Manners

Sylvia Plath-itudes

Leonie: Want to read something slightly amusing?
Mags: Sure
Mags: And if you want to
Mags: I finally updated the blog
Mags: Though I think I've already said everything in it to you
Leonie: There is a group of people in my house who cook together trying to make the rest of us buy a really expensive oven for them - they sent an email asking us to pitch in for a 200 euros oven
Leonie: At the end, I just sent back ...whatever
Mags: Heee
Mags: I had a great, awful idea
Leonie: And later on I don't think waiting for the microwave for five minutes will harm anyone. Also, the old oven has never posed a problem to me, and I don't think it's a problem to many of the other people here. It would be a bit unfair if I had to pay more for something I don't really need.
Leonie: Tell me
Mags: "Just don't go sticking your head in it"
Mags: Because I'm an *awful* person
Leonie: Lol
Mags: A terrible terrible person
Leonie: You made me laugh though
Mags: ...Me too

Here's a shout out to all crazy oven people. Better not close the door behind you.